Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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