Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
why is half of my head shaved?
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