But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My vagina is officially offended.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
