my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
