i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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