I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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