Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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