No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
