I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
where are my eyebrows?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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