I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
