Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
