I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
