I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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