I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
