I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
