I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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