i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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