I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
