You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
