..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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