note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
