I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
