I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
