Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
