we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
