Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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