When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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