btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
