The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
