take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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