Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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