Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
