Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
