Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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