I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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