i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if only i could text you this smell
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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