I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
