I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
