Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
