A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
