she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
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Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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