Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
