MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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