I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
