I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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