the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
