Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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