He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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