I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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