life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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