We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
