Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
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