I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
