I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
