I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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